12/22/24

an open letter. i know that you will never see this. i hope this is the last time i ever write to you.

i've learned a lot in the last month. i always saw you as a threat, and i was right to feel that way. i was right to be extremely uncomfortable. i know you feel uncomfortable and threatened too.

i directed my anger at the wrong person. when you find out who a person really is after always seeing them differently, it's like you can't even recognize them. i'm sure you felt that jarring feeling at some point. despite all that, i see you scramble for comfort. i see you bend over backwards and desperately try to shape yourself into an ideal person. you know you're being used but you feel grateful for at least being seen.

i think you're being abused. i saw what you've dealt with and i think you're being emotionally abused. you are being lovebombed and manipulated. you are being used for physical and emotional validation. you are being used sexually. those are some mighty buzzwords but i feel slightly ill thinking about what i saw. it's like you can't recognize someone anymore.

i don't regret a single thing that i said. i used to pray every night for you to get dragged into an alley in [REDACTED] and not come out. i stand by that. now i know that you really are weak. you like to think that you're independent but you won't ever stand up.

i pray that you wake up and get out while you can. for some reason you are the only one who has been dealt these cards. i feel better about myself. maybe i don't have much to worry about after all.