7/18/24

i think i figured it out.

the reason why i was (and still slightly) convinced that i'm dying by the end of july is because of the whole bulimia shebang. last month i choked on my vomit while i was purging. i couldn't breathe and my vision went out and all that. health-wise my organs are all fine but the possibility of choking is still there. that would be inconvenient and a very annoying way to die.

i slipped up again for old time's sake before i go into semi-forced recovery. coerced recovery. the main reason why i'm going is because my therapist wants to make sure i don't end up purging five times a day over potential triggers in therapy. we're doing emdr afterwards because i got raped by some 40 year old golfer in a motel room. the incident was extra motivation for my self-improvement so i cut off all my hair and starved 30 pounds off. i only purged 15 pounds off so my outpatient team is being a bit dramatic.

re: rebirth. i hope i don't get raped in my next life. i hope i have the body of a child so i can be left alone (although you know men). i hope my perception of intimacy doesn't get ruined. i hope i can love people in a normal way and not go bpd psycho and relapse over-- but anyways.

speaking of bpd, my previous therapist said something to me about how i want my needs met and i go about it in certain ways. a part of me now feels that she was enabling some of the batshit insane thought processes i had but i'm not really complaining. my current therapist is absolutely enabling those thoughts. i think she would agree with my reasoning for trying to get myself killed on april 9th. that night was undoubtedly the worst episode of my entire life [EDIT 10/20: LOL]; i'm actually in awe of how awful everything felt. the room was spinning, my arms were bleeding, i clawed the skin off my knuckles, i punched my legs to the point where it hurt to walk, and so on. all because i found out about [REDACTED BECAUSE FUCK YOU].

i don't want to keep thinking about the bpd approach to love for the aforementioned reasons. i would probably kill myself before i finish typing this sentence. i wish i could explain my motivations but i'll abstain.

i'm probably still manic. i'm starting new antipsychotics today so i'll probably stop thinking about my imminent death and reincarnation eventually.