7/18/24

i think i figured it out.

the reason why i was (and still slightly) convinced that i'm dying by the end of july is because of the whole bulimia shebang. last month i choked on my vomit while i was purging. i couldn't breathe and my vision went out and all that. health-wise my organs are all fine but the possibility of choking is still there. that would be inconvenient and a very annoying way to die.

i slipped up again for old time's sake before i go into semi-forced recovery. coerced recovery. the main reason why i'm going is because my therapist wants to make sure i don't end up purging five times a day over potential triggers in therapy. we're doing emdr afterwards because i got raped by some 40 year old golfer in a motel room. the incident was extra motivation for my self-improvement so i cut off all my hair and starved 30 pounds off. i only purged 15 pounds off so my outpatient team is being a bit dramatic.

re: rebirth. i hope i don't get raped in my next life. i hope i have the body of a child so i can be left alone (although you know men). i hope my perception of intimacy doesn't get ruined. i hope i can love people in a normal way and not go bpd psycho and relapse over-- but anyways.

speaking of bpd, my previous therapist said something to me about how i want my needs met and i go about it in certain ways. a part of me now feels that she was enabling some of the batshit insane thought processes i had but i'm not really complaining. my current therapist is absolutely enabling those thoughts. i think she would agree with my reasoning for trying to get myself killed on april 9th. that night was undoubtedly the worst episode of my entire life; i'm actually in awe of how awful everything felt. the room was spinning, my arms were bleeding, i clawed the skin off my knuckles, i punched my legs to the point where it hurt to walk, and so on. all because i found out about something. the craziest part is that i was completely justified in reacting that way. if i think too much about it now i'll probably have a panic attack but whatever. [rest of the paragraph redacted].

i don't want to keep thinking about the bpd approach to love for the aforementioned reasons. i would probably kill myself before i finish typing this sentence. i wish i could explain my motivations but i'm courteous so i'll abstain.

i'm probably still manic. i'm starting new antipsychotics today so i'll probably stop thinking about my imminent death and reincarnation eventually.