7/23/24

re: coerced recovery.

finished my second day of virtual iop and i already purged several times within the last 48 hours. it's a bit of a rocky start but what can i do. i was told that i would have to move up to php if i kept purging and/or if i kept losing weight which is like, lol. i have 15 pounds left, at the very least. i'm not looking to be deathspo or anything. aiming for something quite modest.

bulimic concerns aside, everything else is semi-decent. started new antipsychotics and somehow immediately stopped thinking about my lives and who awaits me. that was fucking weird.

one thing i don't quite like is the sense of dread that i now have. there's a reason for everything. the purging started for a reason. the self harm urge is coming back for a reason. me trying to get myself killed three months ago was for a reason. i dyed my hair brown for a reason. i already know exactly why i'll be splitting horrifically in the next couple of months (unless the antipsychotics pull some sort of miracle).