9/16/24

to start off, recovery is a scam.

eating disorder recovery centers want to take your money and make you fatter in return. they feed this notion that calorie deficits are total bunk and that you should overload your body with whatever junk comfort food you want for the sake of accepting yourself. they claim to promote body neutrality while only speaking highly of obese bodies, entirely neglecting thinner bodies out of fear of "pushing the wrong message".

coerced recovery is over. i got fucked by them over my persisting neglect for the whole recovery thing. before this untimely demise i saw what they did to one of the girls by the time she left. in her farewell session she fully embraced the body positive attitude that the center was pushing. she went above and beyond the weight restoration, thanking the clinic and her loving boyfriend for support.

maybe i'm bitter but i don't care.

call me cynical and awful and whatever you want but i don't think it's over. if all goes well and i look foolish then whatever, cool. i think that her bpd will eventually fuck her relationship, as the disorder always does. i think losing this loving boyfriend will make her relapse hard. i think the ticking timebomb that bpd is will generally just fuck her progress over. with this relapse she will have to go back into a recovery setting, and it all repeats. hence the scam.

now i get to talk about myself.

i quit taking my antipsychotics, to no one's surprise. i have no plans to return to my therapist or psychiatrist. i have other plans, to no one's surprise.

things are really bad. my days consist of crying, cutting my legs, and getting off to awful things. a part of me feels like i'm over getting raped but i can't help but have that image of bleeding on him intrude my thoughts during regular sexual acts. i can't help but feel like it's going to happen again. maybe i'm just bitter over what i've lost. i can never take that back from him or make the first time better so i just hate on those who are actually loved.