9/23/24

a year ago today i was raped in a motel room by a 40 year old man.

somehow that incident is the least of my worries today. i'm realizing that i was completely correct and justified with how i reacted back in mid-april. i was right and i should have gone further. i feel weak for not having gone further.

the album everything you ever wanted to know about silence by glassjaw is the most significant piece of media that i have experienced. it is an album that has spoken to me for several years, and it has never been more real until now. this album has saved my life and i will always cherish it. i'm listening to it right now to really simmer.

my head hurts. i don't get out of bed anymore. i either binge or starve. i give myself infections by staying in bed until i'm actually about to piss myself. i'm aiming to go the entire week without eating. i don't need it right now.

i just want to know what i did wrong. everything has become a karmic punishment from god and i just want to know. why me? why is it happening to me? i miss at least feeling indifferent to daily life. i miss going about my day like a normal person. i absolutely fucking dread being alive every day and i cannot wait for that eternal sleep. there is nothing to look forward to in my life. i have no career goals. i have no personal goals. i solely exist and i'm tired.